Midimusic.org.uk Computer Humour, Emergencies: 4.5 Screen Savers

Midimusic.org.uk Computer Humour, Emergencies

4.5 Screen Savers

A screen saver is a simple, ordinary, commonplace utility...so often misunderstood.

I got a call from someone in our office.

Friend: "My computer's dead."
Me: "Ok, can you tell me what's wrong with it?"
Friend: "The screen's black. I got some coffee, came back, and the screen was black."

It was a short walk to her desk, so off I go. Looking at the monitor, I saw that it was on with no flashing red lights, so I knew it was connected to the computer. Instinctively, my hand went to the mouse, and snap. The screen came back with all her work.

Friend: "WHAT DID YOU DO!?"
Me: "I moved your mouse. It was your screen saver."
Friend: "Thanks! You're a lifesaver!"

A guy called in and said, "My computer blew up!" But, really, he had only experienced the 'starfield' screen saver.

My Dad: "I go upstairs. I run Pointcast [an online news service]. I hang up. I go downstairs. I come back up ten minutes later, and Pointcast turned itself on."
Me: "Pardon?"
My Dad: "I go back upstairs and there's Pointcast."
Me: "You're sure you shut it down?"
My Dad: "I think I did."
Me: (the light dawns) "Oh, Dad, that's a screen saver."

I was doing Excel support at Microsft shortly after Win95 came out. Someone called and needed some help on Excel. He told me he had left the computer for a few minutes, and when he came back, the "devil" had "possessed" his computer. He told me it was bubbling all over the place, and the devil was in his monitor. I told him to move the mouse. The devil left. It was the screen saver.

This exchange with one of my co-workers had me laughing:

Coworker: "Hi! My screen saver has fallen off this terminal and hit the keyboard, causing it to lock up. Can you tell me how to fix it?"

It turned out the polarized screen filter had fallen off and hit the scroll lock key.

Trying to ask how to remove a screen saver:

Customer: "I just go to My Computer and delete everything, right?"

My girlfriend is fond of The Little Mermaid, so she downloaded the free Little Mermaid screensaver offered at disney.com. After a month of using the screen saver, I got on to use the word processor, and I noticed I could see the words "Disney's The Little Mermaid" faintly at the bottom of my document. The screensaver, instead of "saving" the screen, caused those words to burn in on the monitor. High five to the geniuses who designed the thing.

Tech Support: "Ma'am? I want you to stop clicking on your computer, move your hands away from the computer, don't touch the keyboard. Just stop. Move your hands away from the keyboard."
Customer: "But..."
Tech Support: "No, please follow my instructions."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Now, look on the screen. Do you see the To: field on your email message?"
Customer: "No, oh wait a minute, there it is, now I see it!"
Tech Support: "Great, now when I let you start typing again, this is where you would put the e-mail address in."
Customer: "Oh, I'm supposed to put it there? Oops, where did it go? Oh NO! What's happening to my computer?!"

At this point I thought she was on acid.

Tech Support: "Ok, calm down, what is your computer doing?"
Customer: "It's got all these flying window things that are coming out of nowhere! They're going all over my screen, and, huh, ooooh, pretty colors."
Tech Support: "Uh, ma'am? That's your screen saver."

Customer: "You've got to help me! I can't believe what's happening!"
Tech Support: "What's going on?"
Customer: "My screen! It's upside down, and it's swirling. I think this monitor's bad. Or something's taken over my computer. It's just so weird! I can't believe this. You've got to help me."

It was the screen saver, of course.

Customer: "I have a very big problem! If you don't help me right now I will return the computer!"
Tech Support: "Well sir, what can I do for you?"
Customer: "Well, I just got my system today, and my friend installed a screen saver, and it comes up fine...BUT EVERY TIME I MOVE THE MOUSE IT GOES AWAY!!!!!!!"

One of our clients called us because she had a "dead Mac." The machine was on, but the screen was blank, and nothing would wake it up. It turned out that the keyboard had become disconnected and, ten minutes after that, the screen blanker had activated.

I personally love the reaction of some people to the screen savers on the Macintoshes in our computer lab. I was sitting next to a blonde (at that point I didn't place any significance to this fact) who was typing a paper, and by the way she was doing it, it was clear that this was just about her first time. Well, a friend of hers sat at the computer across from hers, and they started chatting...and the screen saver kicked in. The scream was heard, I was told, around two corners in the hallway.

After she'd nearly passed out, her friend told her that she hadn't lost anything, and that she could get back to what she was doing just by moving the mouse. She didn't count on the fact that when her friend jumped up in hysteria, she'd bumped the keyboard/mouse connector out of the socket.