Midimusic.org.uk Computer Humour, Emergencies: 4.1 Paranoia

Midimusic.org.uk Computer Humour, Emergencies

4.1 Paranoia

A great many people are daunted by the power and complexity of computers and are deathly afraid of them. Sometimes warnings about viruses or hackers on TV magazine programs scares the living daylights out of people, complicating the issue. Paranoia is an integral part of the role computers play in society today. But some people take it to gross extremes.

Customer: "Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, won't other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there?"
Tech Support: "No, that's not possible."
Customer: "You see it on the TV all the time."

About a year ago, a customer from Roswell, NM, called in to place an order. To break the ice, I jokingly asked if he or any of his neighbors had seen any aliens lately. The guy laughed and proceeded to tell me all about the crazies (his word, not mine) that not only live in Roswell but who come on vacation there in hopes of seeing a UFO themselves. As he talked, I processed the order, and the last bit of information I needed to complete it was the guy's email address for marketing purposes.

Customer: "Email! I won't have anything to do with that Internet or modems of any sort! You should be careful about those. Don't you know that once you install a modem, the government can look into your computer and watch everything you do? That's why every night before I go to bed, I turn the monitor to the wall."

At the end of the eighties I was working for a company that made software for doctor's offices. I frequently gave demonstrations to small groups of physicians. One of the main concerns was safety. There was so much talk about hackers. Would their patient records be safe from intruders? I explained to them that one could only get into a computer from outside the office if the modem was on, and the computer was running a communication program and acting as a host. At that time, this was a rare situation in private practice. But even the most powerful argument I could think of, "You can't break into a computer that's turned off," did not have the impact I had hoped for. One way or the other they were convinced that a clever hacker would not be stopped by such a trivial problem!

A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.

Tech Support: "Sir, did you just install Office 97?"
Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????" (click)

Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, we require a credit card or checking account in order to sign up on our service."
Customer: "Well, I saw on the news that I should never give out my credit card information!"
Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, we have to have a way to bill you."
Customer: "No other service does this!"
Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the others don't allow you to use a checking account."
Customer: "No honest company would ask me for my credit card information!"

Tech Support: "May I have your phone number, sir?"
Customer: "I don't give out my phone number!"
Tech Support: "All right. How may I help you, sir?"
Customer: "How much for your Internet service?"

I gave him the prices.

Customer: "If I own the software why do you keep charging for it?"
Tech Support: "Well, sir, the software is free, but you are charged for being online."
Customer: "YOU CONNECT YOUR COMPUTER TO THE PHONE LINE?!?"
Tech Support: "Well, sir, you do use a modem to dial online."
Customer: "I WILL NEVER HOOK MY COMPUTER TO MY PHONE!!!!" (click)

The second day I worked doing phone tech support, I was called by an elderly woman who was sobbing and panicked. After spending twenty minutes getting her calmed down, I finally found out what her problem was. She had been on the Internet and recieved the ever-popular message "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." Immediately afterward, she had heard police sirens down the road and thought, "They're coming to lock me up!"

I work as a computer tech at a community college. Most of our computers are currently running Windows 95. One day, an officer from our security department stopped by to talk to me. His face looked grim. He pulled me quietly aside.

Officer: "We have a new part time person working in our office who uses the computer, and I have to ask you something, but you need to keep this confidential."
Me: "Ok, what's the problem?"
Officer: "Well, over the past two or three days I've glanced over at the new person's computer, and several times I've seen a message that says 'You have performed an illegal operation,' but he keeps clearing it by clicking something. I need to find out what he's doing wrong and if we should call the local police."

He looked so scared and serious, I had a hard time containing my laughter.

One of my users recently came into the workforce and is literally terrified of her computer. Each sound it makes be it from the speaker or random drive noises causes her to flinch and turn pale. She sits at a custom-built wraparound desk surrounded by her computer, the switchboard, an electric typewriter (she hates that too), and the postal meter. In order to point at the screen I have to stand directly behind her chair.

She was having great problems with the telecoms software convincing herself that she really had downloaded the file. In order to demonstrate that the "dir" command would show her that her files really were in the directory I chose the c:\dos directory to use it on.

When the dozens of filenames flickered down the screen she was so panicked that she thrust her chair backwards crushing me between the chair and the typewriter.

To simplify things, I installed Windows 95 and demonstrated how to move files from the folder to the trash can. Later I wandered by her desk and noticed a forest of icons surrounding her trash can. She hadn't managed to hit it once.

I work for a nationwide ISP, doing overnight technical support. A man who had immigrated from Croatia called to ask us, in his thick eastern European accent, mind you, why we were kicking him offline.

Customer: "Why do you guys keep kicking me offline?"
Tech Support: "Can you hold on a moment while I look at your account logs?"
Customer: "Sure, but please hurry."
Tech Support: "Ok." ... "Hi, thanks for holding. It looks like our servers are reporting that either your modem is hanging up like a normal disconnect, or the connection is just being lost. This is usually attributed to line noise. I'd advise you get in touch with--"
Customer: "No, that is not what it is!"
Tech Support: "Well, that would normally be the first place I'd look. The modems are just losing touch with each--"
Customer: "All right. Apparently they do not tell you everything there. What I'm trying to look at are some Croatian newspapers to keep up with what's going on in my old country. The government did not like me when I was there and they do not like me being in touch with my family and events there today."
Tech Support: "Sir, the government there cannot disconnect you from the Internet here. You are in the United St--"
Customer: "My government was very powerful. They can do lots of things you would never imagine."
Tech Support: "I'm sure in Croatia, the government would have the power to disconnect you from the Internet. The service providers are under their jurisdiction there. However, in America, there is nothing they could do to force our computers to knock you off line. You're safe. I'm telling you, the first and foremost place I'd look is the telephone company to have them do what's called a 'data grade check'--"
Customer: "No, no, no. That is alright. I just wanted to know if you were doing it intentionally, or if it was them. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night."

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.