Midimusic.org.uk Computer Humour, Networks: 3.4 The Internet

Midimusic.org.uk Computer Humour, Networks

3.4 The Internet

The Internet rage has hit the mainstream. Unfortunately, nobody seems to know quite what it is.

I work at the computer store on a campus. A few weeks ago, we had a customer call in and ask the following:

Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"

Customer: "How much does it cost to have the Internet installed?"

Also heard in a University store:

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

Customer: "When I sign up, do I need to be home so you can come out and install the Internet to my house?"

Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..."

Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"

Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"

Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"

I just had a call from a customer who wanted to know if she had to bring in her computer to get connected to the Internet or if we could pick it up and deliver.

Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

...or...

Customer: "Do you own the Internet?"

...or...

Customer: "Is this 'Internet' the same as 'www' and do you own that as well?"

We would love to be able to say, just once, to these callers, "YES! We are the Internet, and we own all."

Customer: "I have a question about the Internet."
Tech Support: "Ok, what's your question?"
Customer: "How do I unsubscribe from a BBS?"
Tech Support: "Uh, well, you should probably contact the people that run it."
Customer: "Well who owns the Internet?"

I once got a "priority" tech support phone call. The guy's first words were: "I'm a vice president at [major ISP company], and we own the Internet."

Overheard on a train ride:

"The Internet -- isn't that a microchip?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

Had a guy call just recently, asking how to get to the Internet through a word processor.

Customer: "What do you mean I have to pay for Internet access??"

Customer: "Do you have to use Netscape to get on the Internet, or do you have to use the program Netscape?"

Friend: "I'm going to leave AOL. I think I'll switch to Netscape."
Me: "Um, Netscape isn't a way to get on the Internet. It's what lets you look at the Internet. You need an Internet Service Provider like AOL, CompuServe, or AT&T Worldnet."
Friend: "Oh. I guess I'll get Internet Explorer."

Tech Support: "If you don't have a phone line, you can't connect to the Internet."
Customer: "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You guys need to do something about that if you want people to be happy with your service!" (click)

Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"

Customer: "Is the Internet down?"

Customer: "I broke the Internet! Can you fix it for me?"

Customer: "The Internet site's giving me a busy signal!"

(Usually due to the customer dialing his own phone number with his modem.)

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!"

Some friends of mine and I stopped at a local bagel/bistro place that had three Macintosh computers hooked up so patrons could surf the web while they eat and slurp their coffee. None were being used. I walked over to them, and there, in front, was a prominent sign reading:

"The Internet is down all over the world!"

To this day I wonder if the employees were clueless, or if they made that message up to prevent questioning from angry patrons.

I am a student studying Computer Systems Engineering. In my final year, I moved into a house with a few friends, one of which was a woman studying English. As I was the only person connected to the Internet from our house, they all used my computer to check email and so forth. Well the English major kept asking me if she could have a look on "my Internet." I said she could, and she logged in and directed the browser to a search engine so she could find the information she wanted. Fifteen minutes later:

Her: "You really should get some English literature on your Internet. All I can find is computer-related stuff. The computers at the University have all sorts of information on their Internet. Maybe you should ask them for a copy?"

Customer: "My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at [a British comedy site]."
Tech Support: "Yes, what is the problem?"
Customer: "The '.uk' at the end -- doesn't that stand for United Kingdom?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "Just great -- I knew it! He's in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?"
Tech Support: "It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges."
Customer: "No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn't make any sense that they wouldn't. England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to."

After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back.

Customer: "Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL."
Tech Support: "Yes?"
Customer: "Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?"
Tech Support: "Trust me -- they don't."
Customer: "Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn't know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service."

Customer: "I can't get any information off the Internet."
Tech Support: "What happens when you hit our icon?"
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "When you double click our icon does the modem dial up?"
Customer: "What do you mean 'dial'?"
Tech Support: <suppressed sigh> "Ok, when you hit our icon does the modem make a noise?"
Customer: "Which one is your icon?"
Tech Support: (banging head on desk) "The [company name] icon."
Customer: "I don't have that."
Tech Support: "You do have an account with us don't you?"
Customer: "Yes, of course I do."
Tech Support: "And our software is installed?"
Customer: "Oh, no. I've been on the Internet and downloaded all the information on it, so I took your software off."

Tech Support: "Ok sir, you're going to need to download those drivers from our web site. Do you have an Internet connection?"
Customer: "WHAT!?!? OF COURSE I HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION!!!!!!! THIS IS THE 90'S!!!! This office has 30 PC's, each with an ISDN line for our graphic design business!"
Tech Support: "Great. Well, you should have no problems then. You need to go to our web site and download 'CDROM.EXE'."
Customer: "And this will fix my problem, right?"
Tech Support: "Yes sir."
Customer: "Ok, now what number do I dial to get on the Internet?"

Customer: "Am I supposed to hear those people on the IRC?"

I wondered if he was calling because he couldn't hear them, or because he could.